Today’s blog post is from a sweet friend of mine, Kris Miller. Kris and I became friends after we each lost our husband to suicide in 2020. I’m honored to have her share some of her thoughts on the DPF blog. I know Ryan and Larry would have been great friends based on the stories we’ve shared, and while I’m sad they never met on this side of eternity, I’m certain they’ve met on the other side.
by Kris Miller
He died, Hope didn’t…
Two years out from Ryan’s suicide. I was certain my life had stopped. My future had no vision, no expectation, like a slate wiped clean. However, it wasn’t a comforting clean. And my past became muddled as I reviewed missed opportunities to help him, his perceived mistakes, and his avoidance to seek help. My hope then was that it wasn’t real, that he faked the scenario, and would walk back in at any moment. I pretended he was on a secret mission. He wasn’t.
He hurt on a level I did not understand. A level that I’m sure other soldiers do. I miss him, his smile, his touch, his laugh, and his silly antics that some call “Ryan-isms”. I will never hear him tell us to “shut the door” in that loud, slightly obnoxious way. The way that made his mom say he sounded just like grandpa did. But the kids say it now for him! And we laugh!
Maybe Ryan was on a secret mission, one that took him to God in the most bizarre end. Even though Ryan shut the door to his life, he didn’t shut the door to mine.
God has brought new opportunities to me and a new lens on life. Hope is being restored. I still wish Ryan would have sought help. He has left a wake of questions and pain amidst this newfound hope.
Thank you Ryan for being my friend and husband in this life. Thank you for living on in my heart, right next to Jesus. I look forward to our next meeting so you can help me understand!